Two years and 8 months ago I placed my little boy into the arms of his loving eternal family. A heartbreaking experience but as time went on my heart healed and although I still miss him I am so glad to be his birthmom. What a blessing it is to be this amazing little boys birthmom, I am so grateful that I was chosen to be that girl that got my baby to his eternal family. I am so grateful for the blessings of adoption. It has taught me patience, trust in the lord, confidence in myself, and many other valuable lessons.I'd like to say that my life after placement has been perfect, but it hasn't always been. It was extremely difficult emotionally. I went through a roller coaster of emotions. Sadness, anger, guilt, joy, pride (not the bad kind) and a feeling of "what next" and to be honest with you it has taken me over 2 years to figure it out. I went through a few phases where I went back to the person I was before placement and it has been a constant struggle to continue to be the post placement me. I didn't know what to do for the longest time, I knew I wanted to get married and have an eternal family but that wasn't happening the way I wanted it to. I had to learn to become at peace with who I am, without a companion by my side. I got really bitter after awhile of trying and trying and doing everything I was supposed to be doing. I always thought, "when am I going to find prince charming?" Marriage was the only thing on my mind. I dated a few really great guys and got my heart broken every time. Every time I thought "he could be the one" he wasn't. Obviously it wasn't the right time to meet my eternal companion. It was really upsetting and I felt like I was just destined to be alone. You hear all these fairy tales of birthmoms who place and a year later they're married and a year after that they're pregnant. Well most are just that, unrealistic fairy tales. I eventually had to learn how to be happy by myself, and I did. It took a lot of praying and studying to realize that I was ok with just me for awhile and that the lord has a plan for all of us. In the LDS community there is a lot of unfair pressure to get married at a young age, (all the time i get people asking "are you married yet?' no. "engaged?" no "dating anyone seriously?" no. "then what are you doing?") but as I look back on the past couple of years I am so grateful I was not married. I get to travel and meet lots of fun people and I have gotten to know myself very well. I have learned to be independent, self reliant and charitable, I have been able to volunteer my time and resources where needed without being worried about taking care of a family.
Not everyone will marry young, and not every one will get the chance to marry at all on this earth and which ever category I fit into, I am at peace with because I know, now, that I can be an awesome me all by myself. I have never been happier and it only took me two years to figure it out. :) I encourage girls who are struggling with these feelings to take time for you! Learn who you are and who you have become! Take time to learn and grow with your heavenly father! I know it is challenging and I'd be lying if I said it still doesn't make me sad every once in awhile but the peace of knowing I am not forgotten and the Lord is mindful gets me through those tough times.
This is my current favorite picture of Noah! He is so great and special in my heart, my love for him grows everyday.
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