Looking back on the placement of my baby boy into the arms of his eternal family I realize that even though that day was filled with unbelievable heartbreak it was also filled with love and joy. I was so happy for my baby, even though I felt like my heart was being shattered. But I have said this from the beginning of my adoption process. "I would rather hurt for the rest of my life than to see my little boy suffer at all." I knew he was going to be extraordinarily happy with his eternal family. They had so much I didn't have yet, they had each other, they had careers and they had just about as much love for my baby as I did. It was hard to imagine that anyone could love him more than he already was but they could and I knew it as soon as I met them. I knew they loved him and they loved me and I loved them right back. And as grateful they were for me I was just as grateful, without I could give my baby the life of his dreams.
On the day of placement I felt my heavenly fathers love for me more than I ever have. I felt his arms around me and his angels surrounding me, they held me up when I didn't have the strength. The morning of placement came, Noah had to be taken to the doctors, for a blood test so I took him. I got him dressed and all bundled up and we went. After the tests we came back home, I gave him his first bath and got him dressed once again in his placement outfit. It was a green striped onesie with the words "later gator" on the feet, it was fitting considering, I wasn't going to be saying goodbye, just see ya later. I read him his first story "Guess How Much I Love You" he stayed in my arms nearly all day, it was just him and I hanging out. I was supposed to be at the agency at 2 pm that afternoon and as 2 pm rolled around I felt like my world was falling apart. My dad gave me a blessing and we prayed as a family and I prayed by myself with Noah in my arms, begging for strength and comfort. We arrived at the agency on time. I signed the papers immeadietly because if I had waited any longer I wouldn't have gone through with the placement. The entire day I was planning an "escape" just in case I wasn't strong enough. I felt numb, signing the papers. I felt like I wasn't even there, which I think, was for the best. I knew what I was signing I had gone through the papers multiple times before I even gave birth to Noah. After signing the papers I wanted some alone time with Noah at the agency. I sang him every song I could remember my mom used to sing to me. We read stories and talked just him and I. I knelt down on my knees with my precious baby in my arms and prayed again, I didn't know how I was going to go through with this. I knew I had to, I couldn't bear to take away this amazing family and future life from Noah. He deserves the best. I begged and pleaded for angels.
After nearly an hour that only felt like 15 mins Noah's eternal parents entered the room with my parents. We exchanged gifts, I made Noah a quilt and I gave him his first book, my familes wrote letters to Noah. Jill and Spencer made me a blanket and gave me a book and a few other things. The moment came to place Noah in his parents arms, again I went numb, like I was loosing a piece of myself at that moment. We took a few pictures, my parents and I gave Noah a few more kisses, then it was time to leave. I had made the decision to leave after Jill and Spencer had left so I had a few minutes to compose myself the best I could before walking through the lobby.
I am so grateful for an amazing case worker who became a friend and supported me and I am ridiculously grateful for my parents, who even though I knew their hearts were breaking they were there being strong, supporting me and holding me up. I left the agency and went home and thats when everything hit me and knocked me flat on my back. Heartbreak doesn't even begin to describe the emotion I felt that night. We went to dinner, I just wanted to get out of the house and get away from the hurt for a little bit, and I'm so grateful my parents were there to help me. That night I got a call from Jill and Spencer letting me know they had gotten home safely and also an email with pictures of Noah getting settled in. I slept in my mothers bed with her that night and for the week to follow my dad was awesome enough to sleep on the couch because he knew how much I need my mom.
The placement of my baby was the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I would never take it back. Adoption has touched my heart and it will always be something I believe in.
I have been thinking a lot about what I have learned though my whole adoption experience lately and tonight I got a chance to answer that question. I have learned so much, I became an entirely different person through this process but the one thing that will always stick with me is knowing how much the Lord loves his children. He loves us and wants whats best for us. You are never too unworthy to make your way back to him and he will always be there waiting with open arms ready to embrace you and never let go. I went through a period during my pregnancy, and even sometimes now, where I feel to unworthy to ask for help, and I know now that is never the case, you are always worthy to pray for guidance and help. I have also learned that selfless love can provide us with more strength that we know; that the atonement can heal a broken heart, that the priesthood can give unto us miracles, that if you ask for strength you can receive it, and that no one is ever forsaken.
