Placement

Looking back on the placement of my baby boy into the arms of his eternal family I realize that even though that day was filled with unbelievable heartbreak it was also filled with love and joy. I was so happy for my baby, even though I felt like my heart was being shattered. But I have said this from the beginning of my adoption process. "I would rather hurt for the rest of my life than to see my little boy suffer at all." I knew he was going to be extraordinarily happy with his eternal family. They had so much I didn't have yet, they had each other, they had careers and they had just about as much love for my baby as I did. It was hard to imagine that anyone could love him more than he already was but they could and I knew it as soon as I met them. I knew they loved him and they loved me and I loved them right back. And as grateful they were for me I was just as grateful, without I could give my baby the life of his dreams.

On the day of placement I felt my heavenly fathers love for me more than I ever have. I felt his arms around me and his angels surrounding me, they held me up when I didn't have the strength. The morning of placement came, Noah had to be taken to the doctors, for a blood test so I took him. I got him dressed and all bundled up and we went. After the tests we came back home, I gave him his first bath and got him dressed once again in his placement outfit. It was a green striped onesie with the words "later gator" on the feet, it was fitting considering, I wasn't going to be saying goodbye, just see ya later. I read him his first story "Guess How Much I Love You" he stayed in my arms nearly all day, it was just him and I hanging out. I was supposed to be at the agency at 2 pm that afternoon and as 2 pm rolled around I felt like my world was falling apart. My dad gave me a blessing and we prayed as a family and I prayed by myself with Noah in my arms, begging for strength and comfort. We arrived at the agency on time. I signed the papers immeadietly because if I had waited any longer I wouldn't have gone through with the placement. The entire day I was planning an "escape" just in case I wasn't strong enough. I felt numb, signing the papers. I felt like I wasn't even there, which I think, was for the best. I knew what I was signing I had gone through the papers multiple times before I even gave birth to Noah. After signing the papers I wanted some alone time with Noah at the agency. I sang him every song I could remember my mom used to sing to me. We read stories and talked just him and I. I knelt down on my knees with my precious baby in my arms and prayed again, I didn't know how I was going to go through with this. I knew I had to, I couldn't bear to take away this amazing family and future life from Noah. He deserves the best. I begged and pleaded for angels.

After nearly an hour that only felt like 15 mins Noah's eternal parents entered the room with my parents. We exchanged gifts, I made Noah a quilt and I gave him his first book, my familes wrote letters to Noah. Jill and Spencer made me a blanket and gave me a book and a few other things. The moment came to place Noah in his parents arms, again I went numb, like I was loosing a piece of myself at that moment. We took a few pictures, my parents and I gave Noah a few more kisses, then it was time to leave. I had made the decision to leave after Jill and Spencer had left so I had a few minutes to compose myself the best I could before walking through the lobby.

I am so grateful for an amazing case worker who became a friend and supported me and I am ridiculously grateful for my parents, who even though I knew their hearts were breaking they were there being strong, supporting me and holding me up. I left the agency and went home and thats when everything hit me and knocked me flat on my back. Heartbreak doesn't even begin to describe the emotion I felt that night. We went to dinner, I just wanted to get out of the house and get away from the hurt for a little bit, and I'm so grateful my parents were there to help me. That night I got a call from Jill and Spencer letting me know they had gotten home safely and also an email with pictures of Noah getting settled in. I slept in my mothers bed with her that night and for the week to follow my dad was awesome enough to sleep on the couch because he knew how much I need my mom. 

The placement of my baby was the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I would never take it back. Adoption has touched my heart and it will always be something I believe in.