Months 3-5 of the Pregnancy

The next 2 months is when most of my decision and plan making came into play, like I had said after my very first doctors appointment is when my heart had truly filled with a love I couldn't explain, and although from the very beginning I knew adoption was the best possible thing for my child, the thought became heartbreaking, unbearable. This was my baby and I loved my baby, how could I ever say goodbye? around my 4th month of pregnancy I really started and soul searching and although I felt unworthy to make this decision for my son I knew it was something I couldn't avoid. I had many sleepless, tear-filled nights where I felt my only friends were the lord and the innocent life growing inside me. I had prayed time and time again and I had such a strong impression that adoption was my only choice.
Now that I had decided on adoption, it was time to look at prospective adoptive couples. I reluctantly looked at couples, and read their profiles, looked at pictures. I had so many emotions as I was searching for a couple, I was angry, heartbroken, jealous, anxious. I stopped looking hours later, and went on with the rest of my night, but that night I kept getting the impression I knew who I was supposed to choose to raise my baby. Spencer and Jill, I don't even remember looking at a Spencer and Jill, but their names kept coming to mind the entire night. I went back to look the next day and the first profile I noticed was Spencer and Jill's. There they were, and I knew it. I saw how much they loved each other and I knew immediately without having to read a letter they wrote, they were the family my baby belonged to. My heart sank, I finally had an adoptive couple, that's when reality kicked in. I was disappointed, heartbroken, overwhelmed with love.
I met with my case worker, a couple days after finding my family. We talked about them for awhile and I told her they were the family for my baby. Turns out they were on a soft hold for another birth mother and again my heart sank, I was back to square one. Now what? I knew they were my family how could this happen? I went home that night and started the search again but came up empty handed no one as amazing as Spencer and Jill. What was I supposed to do? I was at work the next week and I got a phone call from, Monica, My case worker. She left me a voice mail saying Spencer and Jill were available and asked me if I wanted to put a hard hold on them, I called right back and told her they were the ones and to put a hard hold on her. Finally, I had felt hope full again.
The next step was announcing to my couple, but I think I'll save that for its own post because I think it deserves its own post.

First Doctors Appointment

I had my first doctors appointment August 20th 2008, I had my first ultrasound that day as well and I saw my baby for the first time that day. My eyes welled up with tears with the love I felt for my child. I could barely believe how much love I had for this new life at the same time I felt, overwhelmed, lost, confused, and more than unworthy to be responsible for this little life. My life changed so much that day. I became aware of the reality of the situation. I still had never admitted to anyone my true feelings, I felt like I was supposed to be strong and detached but that day I couldn't deny my feelings anymore, I loved my child! I loved my baby more than anything, how was I supposed to place him in another mothers arms. I just wanted him in my arms. I knew in my heart it was the right thing, I had known it from the beginning, but now my love was that much stronger for my baby.