2 baby boy background

Monday, April 25, 2011

Sometimes We Lose the Battles Against our Monsters.

I've been debating whether I should write about my next topic for a long time. For the past six months or so,  I've been battling these feelings of anger, sadness, depression and guilt. I have felt shallow and angry with myself. Coming to terms with knowing Noah will always have disabilites is hard and heartbreaking. I feel guilty, not only because,  I can't help him but what if he has disabilities because of something I did during my pregnancy. I spend hours thinking about anything I could've done differently. I had a normal pregnancy, I was healthy and I did everything I could to make sure my baby was going to be born healthy, but what if I missed something, forgot to do something... and the fact that it breaks my heart makes me feel guilty. I don't love him any less and I don't look down on him but those dreams of seeing him growing up healthy and having a normal childhood are disappearing and those are hard to let go of. He's the happiest little boy and he is amazing and I know his parents share my love for him, but what if they blame me? If they had known before hand he was going have disabilities would they have changed thier minds?  I know he is loved by so many people, including myself and I wish knowing that was enough to comfort me.
I have fears about having anymore children because I don't know if they would have the same problems and as shallow as that makes me sound, its true. It is so exhausting, constantly worrying and feeling guilty and angry and sad. It wears me out emotionally and physically.
Noah has a very special spirit and I feel blessed very to be his birthmomma. He is always happy, and always giggling. He has some of the best parents in the world and they love him to death and would do anything for him. They have taken such good care of him and I am very grateful for them both. I love you Noah.