Happy Birthday Noah!!

I met with my family soon after announcement it was an amazing and humbling experience. Although, I was jealous and I didn't want to love them, I couldn't help but to fall in love with them. They turned into some of my biggest supporters next to family. I couldn't have asked for a better couple. We could talk for hours about the most random things, I like to believe that we knew each other before we came to this earth and knew we would be there for each other when we needed it. They are amazing! We would hangout on the weekends, getting to know each other. They came to a Doctors appointment of mine and took me to lunch, we got a 3D ultrasound taken, played get to know you games. Met their families, the grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins of my baby. It was so comforting to know them, who they were, who their families were. I could tell they wanted me to be a part of their life and that was important to me, I wanted my baby to know who I was and what I did for him.
My pregnancy continued normally, I went to the doctor 2 weeks before my due date and my doctor suggested we induce my pregnancy early because I was dilating and Noah was getting big and he didn't want to deliver a huge baby. We planned to induce me on March 5th, Thursday night so he would be born on March 6th, 03/06/09 I was pretty excited. at the same time I wasn't sure if I was ready to meet my baby, the time he grew inside me was the only time I was going to have him, I wanted to hold onto that. But I knew it was time. At the beginning of making my plan, I didn't want Spencer and Jill at the hospital with me, that was my time with my baby. But as I got to know and love them I could have imagined not having them there. I was in labor for 14 hours before I started pushing I was pushing for 1 hour, while Jill, Spencer and my dad waited in the hall, my mom was the only one in the room with me during delivery. Noah was born on 03/06/09 at 4:59pm he was 6lbs 11oz 19inches long. He was so perfect, I didn't think I could love him anymore until I heard him cry for the first time and I felt my heart grow with love for my little boy. He was born with too much fluid in his lungs so I didn't get to hold him until I got to the recovery room but I did get to kiss him before the took him to the nursery.

The first night I gave Jill and Spencer permission to hold him first while I was getting my IV out, they only stayed for about 10 mins and then they left for the night. I held Noah after they left, he was still having breathing problems so he didn't stay in the room with me that night, I wanted him to stay in the nursery. over the next 2 days we spent nearly every second together. I was released Sunday morning. My nurses

were amazing, they pulled a few strings to get me out earlier so I could spend more alone time with my baby. Being home with my little boy was amazing. A lot of people didn't agree with me when I said I wanted to take him home for a day saying it would be harder on me. But the way I look at it, it was already going to be impossible for me and I wanted those memories of him there with me.

Announcement Day!

I decided to announce to my family right near Christmas because what better gift than a sweet baby boy, right? I went to hallmark and got them a golden box. I bought a bunch of scrap booking stickers and everything. I decorated the box, on the top it said "Special Delivery." When you opened it on the top of the lid it said "It's a Boy!" I filled the box with a picture of myself and of my family, a letter written from me telling a little bit about myself. My amazing sister Sarah crocheted Noah a black and red beanie (I'm a big Utes fan) I filled the box with "Hugs and Kisses." I loved it! I thought it was pretty awesome! The next day I went and bought a few balloons to attach to the top of the box and I took it to my case worker to have it delivered to Spencer and Jill. I was so excited! I wanted it to be a complete surprise, so I had not talked to Spencer and Jill prior to announcement, and their case worker was in on the whole thing as well, they were told they needed to come fill out some paper work they had overlooked and instead it was my announcement! They received the announcement on December 21st and I heard from them shortly after! We shared a couple of emails and decided to meet the day after Christmas. I was so excited and yet at the same time it was a very bittersweet moment. It was becoming more and more real as time went on, I found a family for my baby boy, and it wasn't me. I knew it was the right decision but I felt a little unprepared for that feeling of realism. But how can you really prepare for that. I was so anxious over the next few days to meet Spencer and Jill.

No Spilt Milk

No Spilt Milk

No little hands
That I can hold
No bedtime stories
That must be told
No skinned knees
No tears to dry
No spilt milk
Over this- I'll cry.

Jolene Durrant

Months 3-5 of the Pregnancy

The next 2 months is when most of my decision and plan making came into play, like I had said after my very first doctors appointment is when my heart had truly filled with a love I couldn't explain, and although from the very beginning I knew adoption was the best possible thing for my child, the thought became heartbreaking, unbearable. This was my baby and I loved my baby, how could I ever say goodbye? around my 4th month of pregnancy I really started and soul searching and although I felt unworthy to make this decision for my son I knew it was something I couldn't avoid. I had many sleepless, tear-filled nights where I felt my only friends were the lord and the innocent life growing inside me. I had prayed time and time again and I had such a strong impression that adoption was my only choice.
Now that I had decided on adoption, it was time to look at prospective adoptive couples. I reluctantly looked at couples, and read their profiles, looked at pictures. I had so many emotions as I was searching for a couple, I was angry, heartbroken, jealous, anxious. I stopped looking hours later, and went on with the rest of my night, but that night I kept getting the impression I knew who I was supposed to choose to raise my baby. Spencer and Jill, I don't even remember looking at a Spencer and Jill, but their names kept coming to mind the entire night. I went back to look the next day and the first profile I noticed was Spencer and Jill's. There they were, and I knew it. I saw how much they loved each other and I knew immediately without having to read a letter they wrote, they were the family my baby belonged to. My heart sank, I finally had an adoptive couple, that's when reality kicked in. I was disappointed, heartbroken, overwhelmed with love.
I met with my case worker, a couple days after finding my family. We talked about them for awhile and I told her they were the family for my baby. Turns out they were on a soft hold for another birth mother and again my heart sank, I was back to square one. Now what? I knew they were my family how could this happen? I went home that night and started the search again but came up empty handed no one as amazing as Spencer and Jill. What was I supposed to do? I was at work the next week and I got a phone call from, Monica, My case worker. She left me a voice mail saying Spencer and Jill were available and asked me if I wanted to put a hard hold on them, I called right back and told her they were the ones and to put a hard hold on her. Finally, I had felt hope full again.
The next step was announcing to my couple, but I think I'll save that for its own post because I think it deserves its own post.

First Doctors Appointment

I had my first doctors appointment August 20th 2008, I had my first ultrasound that day as well and I saw my baby for the first time that day. My eyes welled up with tears with the love I felt for my child. I could barely believe how much love I had for this new life at the same time I felt, overwhelmed, lost, confused, and more than unworthy to be responsible for this little life. My life changed so much that day. I became aware of the reality of the situation. I still had never admitted to anyone my true feelings, I felt like I was supposed to be strong and detached but that day I couldn't deny my feelings anymore, I loved my child! I loved my baby more than anything, how was I supposed to place him in another mothers arms. I just wanted him in my arms. I knew in my heart it was the right thing, I had known it from the beginning, but now my love was that much stronger for my baby.

Part 1

In July 2008 I found out I was pregnant. I was alone and in denial. I didn't want to believe I was responsible for this new life. I wasn't ready to face a pregnancy by myself, but I also wasn't prepared to share this pregnancy with the birth father. He was in jail and was abusive, he didn't deserve to be a part of our lives. I told my parents the night I found out, they weren't hard on me like I thought they would be, but instead I felt their love for me more than ever that night. I'd be lying, if I said I wanted this pregnancy, but I knew this life inside of me deserved a chance. I decided to hold off on telling my siblings, I knew they would be angry and upset. Since I was already angry and upset with myself I couldn't handle making things worse. I never admitted to anyone how much I loved this child who was growing inside me, until July 28th 2008, my mother took me to LDS Family Services to meet with a counselor. When I first met her I didn't like her, its like she could she right through me and it made me seem so vulnerable. She said what I needed to hear and she didn't care if it offended me, and I love her for it. I knew from the very minute I found out I was pregnant I had to place this child for adoption. I felt it. I just knew. This child deserves a better than me, than what I can give. I can give the most perfect love, unconditional love, unselfish love. But I couldn't give my child a good father, a father who loved his mother and a father who would be there for my child. That's when I decided, placing my baby in another families arms would be the best for my baby and this is my journey.  

Cool Story

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703453804575479752667612216.html
I thought this was a really cool story, how amazing is this?

Introduction

Better late than never, as cliche as that sounds I find it very true. I am a birthmom, I placed my beautiful little boy about a year and a half ago. (I can't beleive its even been that long, how time flys) As I have been becoming more proactive in supporting adoption, I wish to share my ups and downs with those who need the support, for those who have or are going through the same process I went through and even for those who are just simply wanting to know more. For myself it's hard to believe I not only had the strength to place my little boy but to find a life for myself afterwards. Believe me, it wasn't easy but I did it, with the support of my family and friends, and most inmportantly with the love of Christ. Before I begin my story I feel like I should just express my gratitude for adoption, what a blessing for my child! I know I could've been a great mother but I couldn't give my son what he truely needed, a stable father who could give my son the blessings of a temple sealing. I will go into more detail about my story a little later, for now I just wished to introduce myself and share a few quick feelings.