Life After Placement: A Time for Me

Two years and 8 months ago I placed my little boy into the arms of his loving eternal family. A heartbreaking experience but as time went on my heart healed and although I still miss him I am so glad to be his birthmom. What a blessing it is to be this amazing little boys birthmom, I am so grateful that I was chosen to be that girl that got my baby to his eternal family. I am so grateful for the blessings of adoption. It has taught me patience, trust in the lord, confidence in myself, and many other valuable lessons.I'd like to say that my life after placement has been perfect, but it hasn't always been. It was extremely difficult emotionally. I went through a roller coaster of emotions. Sadness, anger, guilt, joy, pride (not the bad kind) and a feeling of "what next" and to be honest with you it has taken me over 2 years to figure it out. I went through a few phases where I went back to the person I was before placement and it has been a constant struggle to continue to be the post placement me. I didn't know what to do for the longest time, I knew I wanted to get married and have an eternal family but that wasn't happening the way I wanted it to. I had to learn to become at peace with who I am, without a companion by my side. I got really bitter after awhile of trying and trying and doing everything I was supposed to be doing. I always thought, "when am I going to find prince charming?" Marriage was the only thing on my mind. I dated a few really great guys and got my heart broken every time. Every time I thought "he could be the one" he wasn't. Obviously it wasn't the right time to meet my eternal companion. It was really upsetting and I felt like I was just destined to be alone. You hear all these fairy tales of birthmoms who place and a year later they're married and a year after that they're pregnant. Well most are just that, unrealistic fairy tales. I eventually had to learn how to be happy by myself, and I did. It took a lot of praying and studying to realize that I was ok with just me for awhile and that the lord has a plan for all of us. In the LDS community there is a lot of unfair pressure to get married at a young age, (all the time i get people asking "are you married yet?' no. "engaged?" no "dating anyone seriously?" no. "then what are you doing?") but as I look back on the past couple of years I am so grateful I was not married. I get to travel and meet lots of fun people and I have gotten to know myself very well. I have learned to be independent, self reliant and charitable, I have been able to volunteer my time and resources where needed without being worried about taking care of a family.
Not everyone will marry young, and not every one will get the chance to marry at all on this earth and which ever category I fit into, I am at peace with because I know, now, that I can be an awesome me all by myself. I have never been happier and it only took me two years to figure it out. :) I encourage girls who are struggling with these feelings to take time for you! Learn who you are and who you have become! Take time to learn and grow with your heavenly father! I know it is challenging and I'd be lying if I said it still doesn't make me sad every once in awhile but the peace of knowing I am not forgotten and the Lord is mindful gets me through those tough times.
This is my current favorite picture of Noah! He is so great and special in my heart, my love for him grows everyday.

Happy Birth Mothers Day!

Adoption has been on my mind a lot lately, not questioning my decision but questioning why the world has such a negative view on such a challenging and heartbreaking decision. Adoption, is not for every woman experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, lets put that out there first and I know each and every birth mother makes the decision for a different reason. No matter the reason for the decision, it came from her heart and she lover that baby more than anything and she knew her baby would be happier and better taken care of with a stable, healthy family. Adoption is in no way "the easy way out" It is a heart wrenching decision. I have not only placed my child into another mothers arms, but I have, also seen the experience from an outside perspective. It is painful and few people will ever understand it. Labeling a birth mother as "one who does not love her baby" or "someone refusing to take responsibility for their actions" or "a girl who just doesn't want to be a mother" couldn't be further from the truth. Adoption is not a "shameful" decision. It is selfless love. Birth mothers take a step back away from themselves and their needs and instead look at the needs of their unborn child, even if that means breaking their own hearts for the right, best and true needs of the child. It is time to put away the stereotype and honor these strong women. Happy Birth Mothers Day!

Sometimes We Lose the Battles Against our Monsters.

I've been debating whether I should write about my next topic for a long time. For the past six months or so,  I've been battling these feelings of anger, sadness, depression and guilt. I have felt shallow and angry with myself. Coming to terms with knowing Noah will always have disabilites is hard and heartbreaking. I feel guilty, not only because,  I can't help him but what if he has disabilities because of something I did during my pregnancy. I spend hours thinking about anything I could've done differently. I had a normal pregnancy, I was healthy and I did everything I could to make sure my baby was going to be born healthy, but what if I missed something, forgot to do something... and the fact that it breaks my heart makes me feel guilty. I don't love him any less and I don't look down on him but those dreams of seeing him growing up healthy and having a normal childhood are disappearing and those are hard to let go of. He's the happiest little boy and he is amazing and I know his parents share my love for him, but what if they blame me? If they had known before hand he was going have disabilities would they have changed thier minds?  I know he is loved by so many people, including myself and I wish knowing that was enough to comfort me.
I have fears about having anymore children because I don't know if they would have the same problems and as shallow as that makes me sound, its true. It is so exhausting, constantly worrying and feeling guilty and angry and sad. It wears me out emotionally and physically.

Noah has a very special spirit and I feel blessed very to be his birthmomma. He is always happy, and always giggling. He has some of the best parents in the world and they love him to death and would do anything for him. They have taken such good care of him and I am very grateful for them both. I love you Noah.

Jealousy. Not always a monster.

There is a fine line between unhealthy jealousy and healthy jealousy and I've been dancing with that line for nearly 2 years. Without jealousy we have no idea what we would like to strive for; but when it becomes about anger and even hate, we need to evaluate our feelings. Jealousy from a birthmothers perspective is slightly different in the way that I had a choice what decision I made. I felt jealousy long before I placed my baby but it wasn't about me. When I met Noah's adoptive parents I knew I loved them with all my heart, they are amazing in every way but I still felt jealous, I tried not to dwell on the jealous feelings I was having because I knew I had bigger problems but at least once a day I thought about the day Noah runs up to his mommy and says "mommy I love you!" and I'll never get that from him but someday he'll come up to me and say "Jen I love you!" We can choose to dwell on things that will never happen or we can choose to think about the things the will. Jealousy doesn't have to be unhealthy, it doesn't have to consume us, it doesn't have to be an angry feeling, it should be something that pushes us towards being better. God gave us emotions for a reason. It's ok to feel jealous, angry, sad, happy, excited; as long as we do it in a healthy way. Look towards the positive end of the spectrum, life is way to short to spend your time thinking negatively. I love my adoptive family and although I can feel jealous towards them sometimes I know they were meant to be Noah's parents. They are amazing and they give me an amazing example to strive for. I love you Jill and Spencer! Thank you for your support and love!

A new post already!?

I had an amazing experience tonight sharing my story and my testimony with the girls from Sterling's ward! I cannot thank Sterling enough for inviting me and those girls for listening! Its always such a great experience sharing my story and listening to others share their stories as well. I always learn something new or remember something significant. It is such a healing experience not only sharing my story but listening to others. Thank you Sterling and Kristi for being right by side sharing your stories with me tonight. I am truly blessed to know these two wonderful birth mothers, their examples of strength, wisdom and selfless love is absolutely amazing!

I have been thinking a lot about what I have learned though my whole adoption experience lately and tonight I got a chance to answer that question. I have learned so much, I became an entirely different person through this process but the one thing that will always stick with me is knowing how much the Lord loves his children. He loves us and wants whats best for us. You are never too unworthy to make your way back to him and he will always be there waiting with open arms ready to embrace you and never let go. I went through a period during my pregnancy, and even sometimes now, where I feel to unworthy to ask for help, and I know now that is never the case, you are always worthy to pray for guidance and help. I have also learned that selfless love can provide us with more strength that we know; that the atonement can heal a broken heart, that the priesthood can give unto us miracles, that if you ask for strength you can receive it, and that no one is ever forsaken.

Tonight was amazing and I look forward to many more opportunities to share my story with these amazing women! I love you Kristi and I love you Sterling thank you for your examples!

Placement

Looking back on the placement of my baby boy into the arms of his eternal family I realize that even though that day was filled with unbelievable heartbreak it was also filled with love and joy. I was so happy for my baby, even though I felt like my heart was being shattered. But I have said this from the beginning of my adoption process. "I would rather hurt for the rest of my life than to see my little boy suffer at all." I knew he was going to be extraordinarily happy with his eternal family. They had so much I didn't have yet, they had each other, they had careers and they had just about as much love for my baby as I did. It was hard to imagine that anyone could love him more than he already was but they could and I knew it as soon as I met them. I knew they loved him and they loved me and I loved them right back. And as grateful they were for me I was just as grateful, without I could give my baby the life of his dreams.

On the day of placement I felt my heavenly fathers love for me more than I ever have. I felt his arms around me and his angels surrounding me, they held me up when I didn't have the strength. The morning of placement came, Noah had to be taken to the doctors, for a blood test so I took him. I got him dressed and all bundled up and we went. After the tests we came back home, I gave him his first bath and got him dressed once again in his placement outfit. It was a green striped onesie with the words "later gator" on the feet, it was fitting considering, I wasn't going to be saying goodbye, just see ya later. I read him his first story "Guess How Much I Love You" he stayed in my arms nearly all day, it was just him and I hanging out. I was supposed to be at the agency at 2 pm that afternoon and as 2 pm rolled around I felt like my world was falling apart. My dad gave me a blessing and we prayed as a family and I prayed by myself with Noah in my arms, begging for strength and comfort. We arrived at the agency on time. I signed the papers immeadietly because if I had waited any longer I wouldn't have gone through with the placement. The entire day I was planning an "escape" just in case I wasn't strong enough. I felt numb, signing the papers. I felt like I wasn't even there, which I think, was for the best. I knew what I was signing I had gone through the papers multiple times before I even gave birth to Noah. After signing the papers I wanted some alone time with Noah at the agency. I sang him every song I could remember my mom used to sing to me. We read stories and talked just him and I. I knelt down on my knees with my precious baby in my arms and prayed again, I didn't know how I was going to go through with this. I knew I had to, I couldn't bear to take away this amazing family and future life from Noah. He deserves the best. I begged and pleaded for angels.

After nearly an hour that only felt like 15 mins Noah's eternal parents entered the room with my parents. We exchanged gifts, I made Noah a quilt and I gave him his first book, my familes wrote letters to Noah. Jill and Spencer made me a blanket and gave me a book and a few other things. The moment came to place Noah in his parents arms, again I went numb, like I was loosing a piece of myself at that moment. We took a few pictures, my parents and I gave Noah a few more kisses, then it was time to leave. I had made the decision to leave after Jill and Spencer had left so I had a few minutes to compose myself the best I could before walking through the lobby.

I am so grateful for an amazing case worker who became a friend and supported me and I am ridiculously grateful for my parents, who even though I knew their hearts were breaking they were there being strong, supporting me and holding me up. I left the agency and went home and thats when everything hit me and knocked me flat on my back. Heartbreak doesn't even begin to describe the emotion I felt that night. We went to dinner, I just wanted to get out of the house and get away from the hurt for a little bit, and I'm so grateful my parents were there to help me. That night I got a call from Jill and Spencer letting me know they had gotten home safely and also an email with pictures of Noah getting settled in. I slept in my mothers bed with her that night and for the week to follow my dad was awesome enough to sleep on the couch because he knew how much I need my mom. 

The placement of my baby was the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I would never take it back. Adoption has touched my heart and it will always be something I believe in.