Months 3-5 of the Pregnancy

The next 2 months is when most of my decision and plan making came into play, like I had said after my very first doctors appointment is when my heart had truly filled with a love I couldn't explain, and although from the very beginning I knew adoption was the best possible thing for my child, the thought became heartbreaking, unbearable. This was my baby and I loved my baby, how could I ever say goodbye? around my 4th month of pregnancy I really started and soul searching and although I felt unworthy to make this decision for my son I knew it was something I couldn't avoid. I had many sleepless, tear-filled nights where I felt my only friends were the lord and the innocent life growing inside me. I had prayed time and time again and I had such a strong impression that adoption was my only choice.
Now that I had decided on adoption, it was time to look at prospective adoptive couples. I reluctantly looked at couples, and read their profiles, looked at pictures. I had so many emotions as I was searching for a couple, I was angry, heartbroken, jealous, anxious. I stopped looking hours later, and went on with the rest of my night, but that night I kept getting the impression I knew who I was supposed to choose to raise my baby. Spencer and Jill, I don't even remember looking at a Spencer and Jill, but their names kept coming to mind the entire night. I went back to look the next day and the first profile I noticed was Spencer and Jill's. There they were, and I knew it. I saw how much they loved each other and I knew immediately without having to read a letter they wrote, they were the family my baby belonged to. My heart sank, I finally had an adoptive couple, that's when reality kicked in. I was disappointed, heartbroken, overwhelmed with love.
I met with my case worker, a couple days after finding my family. We talked about them for awhile and I told her they were the family for my baby. Turns out they were on a soft hold for another birth mother and again my heart sank, I was back to square one. Now what? I knew they were my family how could this happen? I went home that night and started the search again but came up empty handed no one as amazing as Spencer and Jill. What was I supposed to do? I was at work the next week and I got a phone call from, Monica, My case worker. She left me a voice mail saying Spencer and Jill were available and asked me if I wanted to put a hard hold on them, I called right back and told her they were the ones and to put a hard hold on her. Finally, I had felt hope full again.
The next step was announcing to my couple, but I think I'll save that for its own post because I think it deserves its own post.

First Doctors Appointment

I had my first doctors appointment August 20th 2008, I had my first ultrasound that day as well and I saw my baby for the first time that day. My eyes welled up with tears with the love I felt for my child. I could barely believe how much love I had for this new life at the same time I felt, overwhelmed, lost, confused, and more than unworthy to be responsible for this little life. My life changed so much that day. I became aware of the reality of the situation. I still had never admitted to anyone my true feelings, I felt like I was supposed to be strong and detached but that day I couldn't deny my feelings anymore, I loved my child! I loved my baby more than anything, how was I supposed to place him in another mothers arms. I just wanted him in my arms. I knew in my heart it was the right thing, I had known it from the beginning, but now my love was that much stronger for my baby.

Part 1

In July 2008 I found out I was pregnant. I was alone and in denial. I didn't want to believe I was responsible for this new life. I wasn't ready to face a pregnancy by myself, but I also wasn't prepared to share this pregnancy with the birth father. He was in jail and was abusive, he didn't deserve to be a part of our lives. I told my parents the night I found out, they weren't hard on me like I thought they would be, but instead I felt their love for me more than ever that night. I'd be lying, if I said I wanted this pregnancy, but I knew this life inside of me deserved a chance. I decided to hold off on telling my siblings, I knew they would be angry and upset. Since I was already angry and upset with myself I couldn't handle making things worse. I never admitted to anyone how much I loved this child who was growing inside me, until July 28th 2008, my mother took me to LDS Family Services to meet with a counselor. When I first met her I didn't like her, its like she could she right through me and it made me seem so vulnerable. She said what I needed to hear and she didn't care if it offended me, and I love her for it. I knew from the very minute I found out I was pregnant I had to place this child for adoption. I felt it. I just knew. This child deserves a better than me, than what I can give. I can give the most perfect love, unconditional love, unselfish love. But I couldn't give my child a good father, a father who loved his mother and a father who would be there for my child. That's when I decided, placing my baby in another families arms would be the best for my baby and this is my journey.  

Cool Story

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703453804575479752667612216.html
I thought this was a really cool story, how amazing is this?

Introduction

Better late than never, as cliche as that sounds I find it very true. I am a birthmom, I placed my beautiful little boy about a year and a half ago. (I can't beleive its even been that long, how time flys) As I have been becoming more proactive in supporting adoption, I wish to share my ups and downs with those who need the support, for those who have or are going through the same process I went through and even for those who are just simply wanting to know more. For myself it's hard to believe I not only had the strength to place my little boy but to find a life for myself afterwards. Believe me, it wasn't easy but I did it, with the support of my family and friends, and most inmportantly with the love of Christ. Before I begin my story I feel like I should just express my gratitude for adoption, what a blessing for my child! I know I could've been a great mother but I couldn't give my son what he truely needed, a stable father who could give my son the blessings of a temple sealing. I will go into more detail about my story a little later, for now I just wished to introduce myself and share a few quick feelings.